Feeling like failing

The 6 month countdown to graduation is on, I’m getting good grades but I’ve never in my life felt like I’m failing more than now.

Week 9 blues, that’s what everyone’s calling it at Uni at the moment but if we’re all being truthful I think it began part of the way through week 3 and I’m pretty sure it’s not going anywhere any time soon. My blog has always been a place of honesty, for anyone who reads it but more importantly for myself. And if I’m being totally honest, my final year at University -so far- is giving me the most overwhelming sense of failure, confusion and stress.

While good grades keep coming in there’s no celebration. When one thing is ticked off the to do list all I can see are the number of red ‘overdue’ to-do’s left on it. When a rare piece of uni work feedback -eventually- get’s back to me none of it spurrs me on, gives me any sense of confidence or fulfillment… And let’s not even begin with discussing if I’ve decided what I’m going to do after my degree. The reality is; I’m not failing but I am disappearing. I’ve become consumed by a completely obscene work load of very mediocre, pretty banal and unchallenging tasks. I’m tired, stressed and quite frankly missing someone looking after me once in a while.

As time has gone on at University -in my experience- you feel a little forgotten. Either by those at home or even those in the same friendship circle as you. Calls from home are less frequent, shorter and take place whilst at least one of you is putting the washing on meaning proper, honest and important conversations are rarely had. Even with the people you see everyday, we’re constantly so consumed in our own worries that it’s hard to see other people’s struggles until you -or they- are at breaking point.

There’s good in all this somewhere; the work could be impossibly difficult and it’s not. The grades could be a lot worse and I’m doing fine. And 6 months more and it’ll be over.

I think that’s the saddest part of all of it. In 6 months time my University journey will be over, after Christmas I’m hoping to say ‘yes’ to more, enjoy more and to feel a litte more successful. Trying to keep the appreciation and love of uni life going is hard but something which is ultimately really important. In a few years- or even weeks- we may not remember the assignments which had us holding our heads in our hands but we will remember the friendships, the laughter and the nights we tore ourselves away from our desks and said ‘yes’ to more.

Although this little scribble may be a bit of a downer for a Friday night, I think that it’s really important that I share it. I know how hard my friends and I work. I know that the big, wide world will probably hit us like a brick wall when we all get out there too -and maybe in that case this is some pretty good life preparation-, however, I know that I -and many, many other students will be feeling like a failure right now. I know that many people, especially those who seem to have it all together on the surface will be one little prod away from a meltdown. And I know how hard it can be to feel like you don’t have anyone who will really take you seriously, someone who will listen to your exhaustion and not reply with how your grades are still great or that you’re getting through the work. Because the truth is, we are getting through the work and we are getting the grades but it also comes with a price.

Feeling like a failure is now a new normality for many of my friends and I at Uni, we’re really not failures but that doesn’t make feeling like one any less valid. Education is a privilege and a journey which much can be learnt from. But, let’s care for each other in the proccess, let’s pick up the phone every once in a while for a propper chat and let’s remind ourselves of how much we have achieved this week rather than focus on what’s left on the to-do list.

Sending love

-Aimée

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