This month I’ve published one post…one! That’s so unlike me and I’ve really beaten myself up about it but it’s honestly just a true reflection of how busy I’ve been this month and a consequence of having both huge ups and downs. I’m currently sat in a cafe trying to pull myself together and get my exhausted brain into some kind of productive state.
I have so many things I should be doing today but having just come back from Berlin and had 2 crazy days back and preparing work for when I’m away at the weekend I’ve just been staring at my to do list and replying to emails for the past 90 mins. I know I’ll regret this tonight at 10pm when I’m doing everything I should be doing right now but I’ve come to accept that over the past couple of months more and more than ever I’ve been dragging myself into the ground, wearing myself out and not putting my mental health even in the top 5 of my priorities. Probs not ideal but I’m also just accepting that I’m not a machine that can do everything all of the time. Since being productive isn’t working right now I’ve decided I’d try and scribble down a really chilled and honest post about May, what’s been going on and all that jazz.
I’m in a really cute cafe right now not far from my central University library and I’m here because after a while I was feeling suffocated by the white walls and tinny noises of everyone’s headphones. Sometimes I find it easier to be in an environment with some white noise in the background to write in. So here goes I guess…
So what’s been going on this month?
I can’t believe it’s May already. It’s been a busy month-no change there but I’ve done some pretty fun and fulfilling things so here’s a taste: 3 days in Paris, went to my first musical, had a friend over to stay for the weekend, did a day trip to Rotterdam, completed my first 15km running race, spent 6 days in Berlin and am off to a wedding this weekend coming. Adventures all over the place! I’ve spent a lot of time this month not with lots of people, but with the right people. This has made a huge difference and has resulted in me caring a lot less about things that don’t need me to care about them-people too. I’m really happy that this month I’ve tried to keep myself as occupied as possible and using the time I have to create memories and meaningful experiences.
There’ve been some really draining moments this months too…
This is one of the main reasons I haven’t really wanted to write this month. I’ve felt constantly either mega happy and fulfilled or completely overwhelmed and like I’ve been failing big time.Wherever I am at the moment I’ve kinda felt like I’m not where I should be, when I’m in Utrecht-work needs me to be in Berlin, when I’m in Berlin I’m not staying up to date with studying in Utrecht, and when I’m anywhere else I’m itching to either get back due to the stress of it all or not wanting to ever leave. I’m not really sure where I feel like I should be at the moment.
Job applications have been one of the biggest …there’s no other word than ‘ball-aches’…this month. And the rejections have not exactly helped either. There’s only so much bouncing back you can do and so I’ve vowed to take a few days off from the shit-storm that is looking for a job and a house abroad.
In terms of the old brain, my mental health has it’s good and bad days, this month has been like most other when there have been both but it’s definitely been a lot better than the month before. I have 4 dutch exams this week and next which we’re not particularly looking forward to but I’ve resigned myself to the fact that there are much larger fishies to fry and so whatever comes out of that we’ll just have to deal with.
Overall despite being my own worst enemy, even I have to admit that I’ve achieved and overcome a lot this month. I’m absolutely exhausted, drained and not feeling at my most creative but sometimes it’s just like that. I’m trying to be more mattter-of-fact about things outside of my control and I’ve surprised myself with how resilient I can be.
I’m pissed that this month I’ve still not reached out to the people that I should have caught up with- I need to get better at this. I bought 2 really nice dresses-something I never do (I’m going to a wedding so that’s my excuse and the other is for my 21st next month) There’s only one month left in Utrecht: CRAZY. I haves so many mixed emotions about leaving, but it’s not been an easy ride and I’m looking forward to being back somewhere that I feel is a little more comfortable in.
I’m feeling pretty determined to be in Croatia or Berlin for my 21st: Where there’s a will there’s a way right? Lastly, I’m frustrated that I’ve let the blog slide but just you wait until I’ve finished uni on the 20th June: then I’ll be spamming you all every day 😛